Thinking back on my social interactions, I had a history of being stingy even as a kid. I didn’t like sharing, I wasn’t a big fan of being generous and I was definitely one to fight for anything that I viewed as scarce.
As a teenager, I saw this in myself and felt guilty about it. At the same time, I looked at women and money as scarce, so I definitely did not want to consider being generous. Instead, I just felt guilty about taking anything from anyone and formed an intent to be completely independent and self-sufficient.
Independence and self-sufficiency are great characteristics. However, when it comes to improving skills with women or socially in generally, you have to be willing to give and take.
What stands in the way of people giving freely?
I think there were a few major internal forces in my life that kept me from giving freely.
1. Feeling unworthy against others – I can remember times in my life where I felt that if I introduced a girl or group of girls to my friends, the girls would end up choosing my buddies over me. I hate admitting this online, but it is true and for those who can I identify with it, I hope that my sharing this helps you.
My fear was that I would be left in the cold and they would be hooking up and enjoying all these girls that I introduced them to. As a result, I was really stingy with all of the girls I wanted to hook up with and made no introductions.
Truth is, I blew this way out of proportion. This was not the case, but if it truly were, I would have still be better off sharing with my buds. Fact is, they would have been far more likely to hook me up in the future and they really weren’t anymore likely to score than I was at that time. Now, I know I would blow them out of the water, so if I could go back and do it all again, I would have shared.
2. Fear of being taken advantage of – I think the majority of people who end up studying how to improve their skills with women have a fear of being taken advantage of. Speaking for myself, I know that I did (and to a small extent, still do). When we feel this way, we hold back any sort of value-offering behavior because we don’t want to be taken advantage of.
It was even said once by the facilitators of AMP (the Authentic Man Program) that most men in the “seduction community” would rather have a girl think they’re an asshole than have her think of him as “just a friend”. The underlying message I get from that is that most guys would rather walk away with the feeling that they blew out an interaction than feel that she “got something out of them” and didn’t give anything back.
My thinking now is that it’s much better to be a giver by nature and occasionally have some people not give back, than to be stingy and have no one want to give to you.
3. Feel they have nothing to offer – I can relate to this… But it’s not true. Again, all of us have something to offer. I asked myself, “What do people really want?” And I had some answers which ultimately boiled down to sex (and things that would increase the likelihood of sex), money (and things that would increase the likelihood of getting money) and enjoyment of life. (And there’s much more, I’m just limiting the examples)
There’s all sorts of things all of us can do to help people get more sex, money and enjoyment. Throwing parties offers the value of likelihood of sex and enjoyment. Networking people together increases the chances for people to make money together or enjoy each other’s company. Just being funny and entertaining makes everyone around you enjoy themselves.
All I’m saying is that regularly giving to people and making yourself valuable in helping people get what they want will dramatically increase your chances of getting what you want. Give and you shall receive.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Dude, you guys post AWESOME VALUE.
Kudos aside, this is my first time posting on your blog, as I’m not a frequent blog-poster. Which i think is an issue resonant to the theme of this post.
I identify more with this situation than most others discussed in the community. BOILED DOWN THE CORE, this is my main issue, and the origins are almost exactly the same as yours.
Wounding from childhood has left me stingy, with a mind-set of scarcity that limits my willingness to GIVE, and raising my level of HOPE and EXPECTATION to a dangerous level, which facilitates constant SUFFERING.
Thing is, that suffering becomes a comfort-zone– one that we learn to deal with and supplicate with self-destructive behaviors, like addiction, and hoarding of attention, i.e. frame control, isolation, etc.
I’ve learned that focusing on the destruction of this limiting belief in scarcity is the biggest proponent to my state. When I can really let go of that, and start GIVING, things get SWEET. Interactions are BOUNTIFUL with good emotions and fun.
But then the tight rope walk ensues, because the more goodness I get out of interactions, the more i start to EXPECT, and then the scarcity mindset returns.
Anyways before the length of this comment starts to rival the post, i just wanted to say that you guys are posting some of the best value, with so much CONTENT in this niche right now, and it’s appreciated.
Downy
Hey Downy,
Thanks for the props. I do my best to produce a steady stream of content for the site. Primarily, this blog was created as a journal and a way to keep Legend and I on track.
But when readers like you give me feedback and tell me that something I’ve shared resonated with you, it inspires me to work that much harder. So I appreciate you writing the comment up and you gave value to us in writing it.
I will be sharing more of my thoughts on the subject soon. Stay tuned.