This post is inspired by something I heard Entropy say recently. Credit to him and check out his blog.
Let me drill this down a bit: I’m not saying that my interactions with women don’t have painful moments, or frustrating moments, or sad or angering or confusing moments. What I am saying is that I now know that I will never be permanently damaged by my relationship with any one woman (on an emotional level).
I bring this up because there’s all this talk in our society and in the media about the guy-character that guys fucked over by a woman in the worst way and he’s just an emotional wreck. I think it’s a terrible role-model to keep putting up for men in our society – that kind of self-indulgent sulking is not productive and it is not necessary!
I do absolutely acknowledge and believe that there is value in natural grieving when love is lost. I absolutely believe that there’s nothing wrong with experiencing the natural shock, pain, horror, sadness, etc. when a relationship that you care about falls apart. I don’t even think that there’s anything wrong with feeling it when you try to approach a woman and you just get shot down.
What I’m saying is that once you’ve experienced it, there is no reason to draw it out and keep sulking. There’s no reason to continue to feed and dramatize a bad experience. Once it’s happened, I learn what I can from it, draw my conclusions and then move on. I don’t make it my story. I don’t turn it into something I need to endlessly revisit.
THAT is the process that would bring me down. THAT is the process that I was afraid of experiencing and would view as something to fear from women. But it wasn’t the woman or having a relationship that was the problem – it was how I dealt with things that came up!
I realize now that when I feared being “damaged” by women or my experienced from women, I would hold back. I would not open up myself to women because if she didn’t respond well or if she didn’t like what I put out there then she was rejecting me.
Holding back in this way created superficial and ultimately unfulfilling experiences. And don’t read that lightly – I am literally saying that I would have a sexual experience with a woman and almost wish I had been spending my day doing something else.
I have found that the best way to present myself now is to go “all out”. That means acting exactly how I am and saying exactly how I actually feel, even if it isn’t smooth or cool or suave. Even if it’s geeky, or dorky, or silly, or weird… whatever (I’m not saying that that’s my modus operandum, I’m just saying I’m not afraid to act this way if I feel like it.) The vulnerability means that she might not always approve of what I’m putting out there, but it allows connection, attraction and fulfillment to be possible.
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Another good one!
I think that everyone should display and visualize what they think, instead of hiding it. When I hide my feelings instead of expressing them, I feel this tension building inside my head.
I`ve been thinking about this for a long time, let`s say that I`m a trip in town etc, and I see a situation where I can say something, Id try my best to say whatever that comes to mind.
I think it all comes down to your confidence, and open yourself up, even if you might feel vulnerable. That`s what I think helps you to grow, to push your comfort zone.
It`s just like practicing a new skill, you feel vulnerable as hell, and this is especially hard if you don`t have someone to help you in the start. That was my experience, and I still have a hard time approaching gorgeous girls.
Btw, where do you guys get those girl pics from? Google?
Hey Ramon,
Thanks for the comment man.
I totally agree. I would go so far as to saying pushing your comfort zone (which can’t be done without getting used to stepping outside of it and getting uncomfortable) IS the growing process. You can “grow” faster the more you are willing to be completely uncomfortable (that means doing something that had made you uncomfortable until it makes you comfortable).
You will be able to approach the really really beautiful women as soon as you stop caring about it. That may happen by just practicing it alone and desensitizing yourself. For me, I desensitized myself, but I also have found things in my life that are so completely interesting, exciting and fun for me that a hot woman could never be as interesting as what I’m doing…
Think about it – imagine if your life was so interesting and intriguing to you that a hot woman could never compare in terms of being interesting and holding your attention.
In that scenario, two things happen: 1) You don’t give a SHIT how a hot girl reacts to you, 2) You get a vibe that is irresistable – who wouldn’t want to be a guy who’s life is filled with something so compelling?