Edge – Totally Letting Go of my Past Relationship

Thanks Ryan. I appreciate you saying that.

I thought about what you are referring to – the posturing and wanting to look good – and I think part of that stems from guys not wanting to be criticized or perceived as vulnerable or weak.

But that’s all ego. One thing I strive for with this blog is to move beyond writing about what I think “looks good” and write entirely to give what I think will be completely helpful to everyone who reads this blog.

It can be a balancing act since people tend to gravitate more towards reading about glory than towards reading about pain. However, I think that writing about this subject is important. My guess is that I’m not the only one who’s ever experienced this sort of thing.

If I can help or inspire some people through what I share on here, it makes me feel like I’ve done something good for the world.

Thanks for sharing this. It is inspiring and important. I enjoy reading about all your glory too, but this was deep. Keep it coming. Props.

I am on the other side of this. My partner left and wanted to be friends (a 10 year relationship).

Perhaps she needs some time to reflect and to heal. I know I have. Seeing him with someone else hurt. I hope one day that will fade and we can be friends.

Don’t give up on her. She may just need time, and it’s more to do with her than it is with you. Rejection is hard. If her confidence wasn’t high, it would be harder. Let her come to you and be ready with friendship when she does.

I know that is what will happen with my ex and me, when I am ready to fully let go of hope we’ll ever be together and wish him well in life. I do wish him well now, but still have hope of us being together, so that wouldn’t be a true friendship would it?

Ex girlfriends are nothing but drama

Hey Lisalisa,

Thank you for the comment. I would say that the door is always open to her whenever she feels like coming back and connecting with me somehow. My feeling when I wrote this (and now) is that I can’t wait for it or depend on it happening. I would be happy if it did, but I don’t need it to and I won’t be heartbroken if it doesn’t. I gotta keep on living and hopefully she’s having a good life too, doing whatever she’s doing. But it’s up to her to come back.

And to Brandon: Yeah, for the most part that’s true. But there are some cases where ex-girlfriends turn out to be better as ex’s than they were as girlfriends…

You would take her back into your life as a friend, or as more?

I have kept my distance after my ex left because I needed it for me, to move forward and also, this was the decision he made. It wasn’t what I wanted. He couldn’t see a future, let alone whether or not I was in it. So he chose to leave…after 10 years. He wants to be friends. I just don’t know how to do that yet. How do you let go of your past, of emotions, to just be friends?

I chose not to be a drama…I chose to disappear. How could he decide what he wanted otherwise if I was hanging around? I could pretend to be friends and hide my hurt…what good does that do? Of course I care about him, and I’d love to see him every day, but he ended it. I didn’t want it, but that’s the way it is. Now he knows what life is like without me.

I’m kind of late on this post but I honestly don’t think you could have described this situation any better. I am going through the exact same thing right now, she wants nothing to do with me and is very short it honestly blows my mind. We went from living together for 2 years to nothingness and I thought we would always be friends forever, we both said it then all of a sudden she doesn’t know me. It still hurts from time to time cause those thoughts of good things pop in my head, I just fight them off best as i can and every day it gets just a little easier. I know I have no choice but to push her out of my life completely it one of the hardest things Ive ever done so far. I am pretty much just starting to shape my life this whole scene is another world to me but it is definitely needed and has helped me so much, we ended 3 months ago and shes already moved on with someone else which pretty much made me relapse when i found out just fighting through the thoughts every day now. You definitely his it right on the head, unbelievable post.

I know what you felt ’cause i past through a very similar situation but i’m sure that you are happy now ’cause everything can be overcome it, the right thing to do is just keep with your own life and have proyects and goals and did you just did very well i guess. starting with this blog and to improve your dating life.

Here you have a partner that lived a similar situation but that is a quite happy too.

Plug & Play

Hey Plug & Play,

Thanks. As a matter of fact, I talked to her today, 7 months after writing this. We had a nice talk actually. I’m not going to say “it was like old times” or anything like that. But it was nice and I was happy I got a chance to talk to her. But totally letting go needed to happen when it did and I am glad that I made the decision – I believe it allowed both of us to fully heal and sets the possibility for a friendship to eventually grow. Clean slate.

Edge, who ended the relationship?

She did. Things had been going downhill for several months, but I was still willing to stick it out. Still, when she proposed that we should split, I didn’t argue against the idea. It was very sad and very painful, but we were on the same page.

And you have left the door open for friendship? I am having trouble doing that. Not someone I ever wanted to lose from my life, not someone I can deal with seeing with someone else…

I did in this case – I always have with her.

I have for all of my relationships except for one. There was one relationship where it was long distance for a summer and she broke it off with me a week before she came back to town. I was pissed, but looking back on it, the real problem was that I thought she was the best I could get. The truth is: she wasn’t, but I couldn’t see that at the time. Looking at it now (many years later), the problem was that we were not a good fit for a relationship. We had a great hook-up and we tried to turn it into a relationship… then for whatever reason I made the relationship into something it wasn’t in my mind.

So I guess you could say that the relationship that I was unrealistic about was the one I couldn’t face looking at afterwards – I couldn’t face the idea that I “failed” or wasn’t “good enough” for it to work. The truth is it was a bad fit.

Other relationships I looked at in those terms, so when they eventually ended, it was on clear terms. We were a good fit, but ultimately it just wasn’t going to work… either one or both of us weren’t in the right place in our life for a relationship or maybe one of us wasn’t happy with life in general (and it spilled over into the relationship). Since we had such a deep and loving understanding and openness with each other throughout the relationship, it wasn’t tough to imagine a friendship afterward.

With the one that I couldn’t be friends at, I always felt like I pulled all the weight, but never got an ultimate closure or satisfaction from it – so it left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

But ultimately, that all rested on my shoulders… it was how I perceived everything at the time.

The one I’m having trouble with was one that lasted 9 yrs. I hope we can be friends in time. I just don’t think I can in 6-12 months. Maybe after a couple of years. Can’t believe I haven’t seen him for so long already. But he made that choice.

Understandable. Time really does heal all wounds though.

Tough though… really tough. You’re not alone though – it happens and you’ll come out of this stronger and better.

Why doesn’t he understand it? He seems to be the only one who doesn’t (apart from a few who took sides and took his). He’s been pushing for friendship. I said I need time.

My relationship was recently 2 years but we were on and off for 5 years so I can understand what your saying Lisa. It was her decision to leave me and I was the one trying to just be friends with her after we split, she made no effort what so ever and did not seem to care what happened. I then came to a realization that I had to completely let go of her and cut all ties which is what I have been doing. 2 months after we split she had a new bf, it pretty much knocked me back down and I felt like a ton of bricks was dropped on me. You definitely need to cut all ties, I cannot stand to see her with anyone so as soon as I heard the news I erased every point of contact, cell, email, messenger, even de-friended her on facebook (it was exhilarating to be able to do this it is something that I could not do before). She still crosses my mind almost daily I hate to say. She was pretty pissed when she found out I cut all contacts and for the first time showed she kind of actually cared. I too cannot say itll take me 6-12 months until I can see her with someone I do not think you need to pick a time frame just cut all ties until you know inside you are completely fine with whatever you may see or here about him which may take years (as of now my door is not open for friendship with her and who knows if it will ever be open). You will come out of it better, my attitude about life has gotten so much better since this breakup and I know I am better coming out of it

I don’t want him to think I don’t care. It’s the very opposite. But he left. He moved on. He wants to be friends. Obviously all emotion is gone on his side that he can find someone (who was right there waiting) and just be friends with me. So I am the one making no effort, but that does not mean I do not care. It does not mean we meant nothing.

She did the same to me, she had someone who was waiting and that is who she is with, I do care about her still but wont dare even tell her that, I do not think she deserves to know that since shes the one that left me. I agree with emotion being gone from their side if they can just go be with someone else then their feelings are gone. This girl meant everything to me but the sad fact is that it is over and now I can say I have learned a lot from it and am learning about myself everyday, things will work out in the end I guess you just have to believe that.

The time when a woman left me… I was very upset at the time and all I wanted was for her to come back. After about a month and a half, it was abundantly clear that that was not going to happen and things were the way they were going to be – we would not get back together.

Then I remember feeling very sad and lonely and at times, hopeless. But after all the turmoil was said and done, I realized that I had used the relationship in many ways to make me feel better about myself. It was as if I had these large holes in my own self-worth and self-esteem and the relationship filled in those gaps for me.

The truth is, her leaving me (for good) was really a great thing for my own self-discovery, strength and self-worth. I didn’t realize the areas in my life where I needed to grow until I was hurt. It was the pain that showed me where I was weak and got me to reflect.

Break-ups feel terrible and you can’t *make* someone come back. Truth be told, even if you could, it would not be a good thing ultimately.

But just because a break-up feels terrible does not mean that it is a bad thing in the grand scheme of life. I believe that if you look at how you’re feeling as an opportunity to strengthen yourself and become better than you ever were, then you can turn this negative into a positive.

Just my opinion.

I guess a quick way to say it is: Work on yourself and don’t look back.

i just stumbled on this posting and may have some advice to you if you are in a place where you can view it with a clear mind unclouded from your relationship interaction.

As you feel about your relationship, the time where you were serious about this other person…… can you say you were not leaning in on or twards the other in your life?
Were you doing things not for yourself but only cause they wanted?
Were you feeling needy clingy or insecure with your interactions?
Were you not seeing signals that the attraction was not there or was fading? Did you give up parts of yourself that didnt feel right to try to make things better?
Did you put up with them testing you and then fail the test because you didnt do enough of___x___ or ___y___ for them?

Even though they are incomplete and in need of work , everyone in a relationship is there for what it does for them first and what you get out of it second.

In Conversation with God by Neal Donald Walsch , there is what God and Neal talk about, a “prime directive”…………
that you are to take care of you first foremost and always and everyone else will likewise be responsible for themselves.

How can you bring someone happiness when you are un happy, security when you are insecure stability when you are feeling unstable?
As you attain these thing for yourself they can not help but flow to everyone who you allow in to your life, effortlessly.

Beware of the ‘emotional vampire” either consciously or unknowingly trying to steel the emotional energy from those who allow or are clueless about the
theft of that “emotional energy’. The vampires feed off the emotions of their partner drawing his or her energy to use to keep themselves “up”. They are always stimulating their partner in one area or the other causing strong emotions and energy to be displayed for the taking. These folks are always around people who are easily provoked, always stirring up the sh*t!

In your last comment you are finally there, work on yourself, learn from the past to nor recreate it, set yourself boundaries that must not be crossed. Do whats best for you and let the benefits trickle down, never give of yourself to make another feel_______ {insert feeling} (its their responsibility to feel that way) Notice and guard yourself from the emotional vampire. use your internal energy for you.

You can tell how much you have given to this other person by your feeling of still wanting them back after x number of months or years. Trade equally, give as much as you get! Ensure you are the center of your world not someone else.
You will never leave you, you always has your best interest at heart youwont do you wrong, you always loves you no matter what………..

Well this is my humble educated opinion, for what its worth ! thanks

I wrote my last response on here about a month ago and that was def a bad day for me and its pretty insane how I feel now compared to what I felt then. I have been doing a lot of reading online but have also been forcing myself to go out at least twice a week and socialize. I no longer hold such negative feelings towards my ex. Yeah thinking of her with someone else sucks but I realized how much little self esteem and confidence I had when I was with her. I was unstable and just extremely insecure with almost every aspect of life. I am now working on myself first and foremost, something I never did, and just meeting as many people and enjoying life while trying to improve mine to what I feel it should be. But like edge said I now KNOW in the grand scheme this was not such a bad thing, I am finally working on myself and growing everyday.

By the way thanks to cocky and edge, your last postings are exactly what I needed to read. Both are completely true and its only been recently I have been able to see what was wrong.

Hey JT -

I can’t remember if I’ve said this before on the site, but I’ll share something I heard once about break-ups and I believe it to be true: a man is only as devastated in a break-up as to the extent to which he sold-out during the relationship.

In other words, the more the man sells out who he really is (typically because of a fear of losing her or, at least, losing her affection/attraction), the more that man will be devastated when the relationship ends.

In my own experience, I have found this to be true. Early on in my relationships career (… heh heh) I would sugar-coat something or hide an aspect of myself or try to be impressive, etc. etc. I did these things because I was afraid of losing her or losing her interest.

That in it of itself is a bad thing. But when the break-up came, I was really distraught. So I would encourage anyone who finds themselves in a really terrible emotionally place after a break-up to examine areas where he compromised his core values or “terms” because of fear of loss. It’s a HUGE clue towards finding a better girl (and relationship) in the future.