The other night I had a conversation with my ex-girlfriend. Doesn’t happen often – frankly she’s been cold with me for many months now and it’s clear that even the friendship that we once had has gone sour. I’ve wanted to hold onto the hope that we’d be able to at least stay friends and have some kind of closeness, but it’s clear that it’s time for me to let go.
So what is letting go? Letting go is refusing to feed the thoughts about another person anymore. Just refusing to entertain them. Whether that means just being unreactive when the thought comes up or thinking about something (anything) else… When I stop entertaining thoughts on anything, it takes the emotional wind out of that thought’s sails and it disappears.
In my mind, I still remember all the great times we had together. I remember the ups and the downs and I don’t regret any of it. Sure, there were lessons learned on both our parts and things each of us would have done differently, but really the relationship was amazing. I still hold her in the most loving place in my thoughts.
But in her mind, I am not that. When we talk, she’s been cold and barely says anything more than a few sentences on the few occasions where one of us messages the other. And I know she knows exactly how she’s coming across – I know she knows she’s being cold. She’s made enough displays of “not caring” to sufficiently demonstrate that she no longer has any lovingness left in her heart towards me.
And realizing this disturbs me. It disturbs me because I’ve had people who I was very close with fade away over time until we drifted apart completely. I never expected one of her to be one of those people.
But feeling disturbed is not that bad in the grand scheme of relationship pain. Breaking up with her was really painful and took me a while to really, legitimately move on from her. Sure, I met other women even before I “moved on”, but I did not have my shit together. My lifestyle had been molded to being in a relationship with her and having her around. Living alone was a new situation and I had to adjust.
But in April, I decided to start finally pursuing my dream of shaping my life on my terms. After a month and a half, I started Pick-up Evolution to start tracking my thoughts and journey.
I’ve spent the last 8 months developing myself, meeting new women and formulating new projects to improve my life situation. It’s been amazing and I am quite happy, inspired and content with my life as it is.
Even still, I never totally gave her up. We’ve been apart for about a year now, but I never ejected her from the place in my heart where I hold someone that I love and see as my one and only partner in crime. I’ve held onto it because I hoped that we would be able to stay friends and still have at least a piece of what we had in the past.
The truth is, I am wasting my time and energy. I have tried, time and again, to reconnect with her and she is not receptive to it. I wanted to have her in my life, but I definitely don’t need it.
When I say this, it’s not out of anger or frustration. Sure, I think it’s a little sad, but I’m over it… The fact is, by keeping her in that place of my mind, I am making myself vulnerable to someone who no longer has my best interests in mind. Whatever her reasons are, they are not my problem. But she is putting herself first and it’s only sensible that I do the same.
Am I shutting the door on her? No, she is always welcome in my life and will always have my support. But I am all tapped out of my hope (or at this point even my caring) for whether or not she comes back. I have a line for what I will accept from another person (especially someone I have opened up to) and unfortunately leaving myself open to her is no longer a good option for me.
I do want her to be happy and I want good things to happen in her life. But it’s time for me to clear her out of my mind completely – I can’t carry around someone in my mind who doesn’t want to be there.
So this was more of a journal post than most of what I’ve posted on this blog, but hopefully it is helpful to all of you out there. In future posts, I’m going to talk about how I’ve made it a point to stop romanticizing heartache/pain and also about carrying around mental baggage in general.
Thoughts?
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P.S. Glad to hear it helped you, JT.
P.S. Glad to hear it helped you, JT.
Hmmm
What about a relationship where you break up and she goes cold, then she goes hot again and you have passionate reconciliation, which then fades, goes cold again, she sees someone else, you see someone else, they fall out then hot again, passionate reconciliation etc etc ad infinitum. This has been fucking with me for a while now and it is like dealing with 2 different people. Anyway I know you will say “finish it” and you would be right. That is my plan.
Anyway just wanted to say I read a few of your posts and liked the honesty. I think the online PU stuff has been a help for me going through a breakup but its clear much of it is crap. Its also true that it is a lot of hard work and I have a long way to go. In any case, I don’t really want to be a PUA, but I don’t want to be an AFC either. Is there a third way? (rhetorical)
Hmmm
What about a relationship where you break up and she goes cold, then she goes hot again and you have passionate reconciliation, which then fades, goes cold again, she sees someone else, you see someone else, they fall out then hot again, passionate reconciliation etc etc ad infinitum. This has been fucking with me for a while now and it is like dealing with 2 different people. Anyway I know you will say “finish it” and you would be right. That is my plan.
Anyway just wanted to say I read a few of your posts and liked the honesty. I think the online PU stuff has been a help for me going through a breakup but its clear much of it is crap. Its also true that it is a lot of hard work and I have a long way to go. In any case, I don’t really want to be a PUA, but I don’t want to be an AFC either. Is there a third way? (rhetorical)
Edge,
I agree with your statement about a break up being more devastating the more you sold out. I would say I completely sold out in my relationship and yeah that is what made the break up so hard. The last few months have been me working on finding my true self. I feel like I getting more and more over the break up, I no longer want her, and after a few months of going out at least 2 nights a week I feel like I am progressing all around, except I cant help but find myself wanting to be in a relationship again and its frustrating because I do not feel like my life is in order and that I still need to work on many parts of it. I have become much more social, and am able to talk to girls but it is always just fluff no real connections. Like strat said I do not want to be a PUA but I also do not want to be an AFC I would like a relationship, nothing extremely serious, but feel I need to get my career and living situation in order first. I guess my question is do I put off being in/looking for a relationship till I feel completely satisfied with my life or do I let a relationship happen? Part of me feels like I do not escalate with girls or establish connections because I feel inadequate about my career and living situation.
Edge,
I agree with your statement about a break up being more devastating the more you sold out. I would say I completely sold out in my relationship and yeah that is what made the break up so hard. The last few months have been me working on finding my true self. I feel like I getting more and more over the break up, I no longer want her, and after a few months of going out at least 2 nights a week I feel like I am progressing all around, except I cant help but find myself wanting to be in a relationship again and its frustrating because I do not feel like my life is in order and that I still need to work on many parts of it. I have become much more social, and am able to talk to girls but it is always just fluff no real connections. Like strat said I do not want to be a PUA but I also do not want to be an AFC I would like a relationship, nothing extremely serious, but feel I need to get my career and living situation in order first. I guess my question is do I put off being in/looking for a relationship till I feel completely satisfied with my life or do I let a relationship happen? Part of me feels like I do not escalate with girls or establish connections because I feel inadequate about my career and living situation.
Hey Strat,
I think there is a third way. I have been working together with Legend to make materials that speaks to exactly what you’re talking about.
I think that being a PUA for the most part is about training yourself to manipulate and perform at certain key moments. Does it have an effect? Yes. Can you get laid by following the prevalent ideas out there? Yes.
But I don’t think it’s incredibly fulfilling. It’s better than sexual starvation and humiliation, but I don’t think that being a “great PUA” in it of itself is a great existence.
I’ve seen a lot of guys who claim to be “great PUAs”, where in fact they are hair-triggered, insecure guys who are afraid of their own emotions.
If you’ve ever talked to guys who are really into the PUA thing, some of them are really cool, chill guys. But there are also a bunch that are so insecure and afraid of being “unworthy people” that they look at every conversation as a chess game.
With that type of person, every response has to be the right move to make sure they aren’t “beta-ed” or that they don’t fail a shit test. The worst version of this is the guy who needs to make sure he’s the “alpha”, so everything he says is like a passive-aggressive slight. It wouldn’t bother me (since “the game” only exists in their heads anyway), but I do find their intent disturbing. In fact, I find it disturbing that they intend to act this way and I find it more disturbing that they probably are totally out of touch with what their intent even is anymore!!
My point is that we all found this material because we want to have great skill with women. Somehow along the lines, a lot of guys get washed up treating life like it really is a game, believing that they are just an avatar, the environment is a game-board and their interactions are a power game.
I know that I picked up some douchey behaviors for a little while in learning to be better at “game”. But I have recognized them for what they are and I have improved myself – I am a happier person for it.
But what changed? I think that when a guy is deep in PUA stuff and surrounds himself with guys who are deep in the PUA stuff, he ends up buying into a lot of irrational beliefs that are present in the game courses out there, but NORMAL people would call them out on it. Plus, I think that the nasty side of behaving like a PUA stems from having a really bad relationship with yourself.
I remember being filled with a hunger to prove to myself that I could be really successful with this stuff. Moreover, I was afraid of the idea of losing that hunger because I figured that it would mean I would just settle for someone I didn’t really want.
After I did achieve a high level of success, I didn’t find the amazing fulfillment I was hoping for. It didn’t solve all my problems. In fact, once I realized I had been achieving a level of success that I envisioned for myself years ago, I wasn’t filled with joy and pride like I thought I would be. I actually felt pretty empty, alone and separate from people.
But… I did win the game! I mean… I learned the rules really well, I followed them and I won. “Winning” wasn’t a problem. The problem was that the journey felt empty and the prize itself felt like more trouble than it was worth.
Over the past year, Legend and I pretty much scrapped all of the “game” that we had learned and started exploring how to build a really great social life. One where you’re surrounded with people that you actually enjoy being around AND have success with women that doesn’t feel like effort.
I know, I know, it sounds like a pitch, but I mean that is what we really wanted. I don’t want to be some guy who has to jump through hoops just to have a conversation and keep my self-worth intact!! It’s ludicrous.
I would rather have great friends, a full social life and have success with women as just part of the natural flow of my life. I’m not saying that I’m just waiting for women to come to me – I am saying that my lifestyle is set up in a way where there’s an abundance of women always around – I’m not hunting to meet new women.
Anyway… more on that later.
Hey Strat,
I think there is a third way. I have been working together with Legend to make materials that speaks to exactly what you’re talking about.
I think that being a PUA for the most part is about training yourself to manipulate and perform at certain key moments. Does it have an effect? Yes. Can you get laid by following the prevalent ideas out there? Yes.
But I don’t think it’s incredibly fulfilling. It’s better than sexual starvation and humiliation, but I don’t think that being a “great PUA” in it of itself is a great existence.
I’ve seen a lot of guys who claim to be “great PUAs”, where in fact they are hair-triggered, insecure guys who are afraid of their own emotions.
If you’ve ever talked to guys who are really into the PUA thing, some of them are really cool, chill guys. But there are also a bunch that are so insecure and afraid of being “unworthy people” that they look at every conversation as a chess game.
With that type of person, every response has to be the right move to make sure they aren’t “beta-ed” or that they don’t fail a shit test. The worst version of this is the guy who needs to make sure he’s the “alpha”, so everything he says is like a passive-aggressive slight. It wouldn’t bother me (since “the game” only exists in their heads anyway), but I do find their intent disturbing. In fact, I find it disturbing that they intend to act this way and I find it more disturbing that they probably are totally out of touch with what their intent even is anymore!!
My point is that we all found this material because we want to have great skill with women. Somehow along the lines, a lot of guys get washed up treating life like it really is a game, believing that they are just an avatar, the environment is a game-board and their interactions are a power game.
I know that I picked up some douchey behaviors for a little while in learning to be better at “game”. But I have recognized them for what they are and I have improved myself – I am a happier person for it.
But what changed? I think that when a guy is deep in PUA stuff and surrounds himself with guys who are deep in the PUA stuff, he ends up buying into a lot of irrational beliefs that are present in the game courses out there, but NORMAL people would call them out on it. Plus, I think that the nasty side of behaving like a PUA stems from having a really bad relationship with yourself.
I remember being filled with a hunger to prove to myself that I could be really successful with this stuff. Moreover, I was afraid of the idea of losing that hunger because I figured that it would mean I would just settle for someone I didn’t really want.
After I did achieve a high level of success, I didn’t find the amazing fulfillment I was hoping for. It didn’t solve all my problems. In fact, once I realized I had been achieving a level of success that I envisioned for myself years ago, I wasn’t filled with joy and pride like I thought I would be. I actually felt pretty empty, alone and separate from people.
But… I did win the game! I mean… I learned the rules really well, I followed them and I won. “Winning” wasn’t a problem. The problem was that the journey felt empty and the prize itself felt like more trouble than it was worth.
Over the past year, Legend and I pretty much scrapped all of the “game” that we had learned and started exploring how to build a really great social life. One where you’re surrounded with people that you actually enjoy being around AND have success with women that doesn’t feel like effort.
I know, I know, it sounds like a pitch, but I mean that is what we really wanted. I don’t want to be some guy who has to jump through hoops just to have a conversation and keep my self-worth intact!! It’s ludicrous.
I would rather have great friends, a full social life and have success with women as just part of the natural flow of my life. I’m not saying that I’m just waiting for women to come to me – I am saying that my lifestyle is set up in a way where there’s an abundance of women always around – I’m not hunting to meet new women.
Anyway… more on that later.
Hey JT,
Personally, I am not looking for a relationship right now. My reason is that I am not in the position right now to arrange my life to have a consistent relationship with a woman. There are plenty of things I love about being in a relationship: Watching movies together, having someone to sleep next to, having those silly “relationship moments”…
But there is a price for it and more often than not the price is my time, availability and attention. I am just not in a position in my life where I want to rearrange my personal freedom. There’s plenty of wonderful and inspiring things that come from being in a relationship, but there’s also the consideration of having to be there for her and dealing with the bullshit that comes with any relationship – anger, misunderstandings, arguments. There’s a near-guarantee that at some point in the relationship, she will push you up against your limits and you’ll have to deal with it.
Truth is in a way, being pushed to my limits in the crappy times can actually be good for me in terms of personal growth and character. But I don’t feel like opening the emotional bandwidth that relationships demand in dealing with that stuff – there are too many other things happening in my life that I don’t want to be distracted from.
Another thing I’ve done in relationships is unknowingly give up *everything* that was fulfilling to me! I would be single and really on my game: working out, being social, eating healthy, getting good sleep everyday, etc. Then, I would get a girlfriend and think, “Oh, I’m in a relationship right now and I feel good… guess I don’t need to do any of that stuff anymore!” And then, a couple months later after I’m out of all my good habits, I start feeling miserable!
When I talk about how I work on having a great relationship with myself, that’s one of the aspects of it. I never realized how much exercise or sleep or simple socializing or eating well had an effect on me. But when I gave it all up, I really realized it. The bigger truth that I realized is that all those things that I was doing to help me “solve my problem” and get me the girl were actually some of the most fulfilling parts of my life. Those habits were actually the solution – the girl wasn’t. Having a girlfriend won’t *solve* anything.
There will be great moments in the relationship, but if you have some issue that you haven’t worked out with yourself, having a girlfriend won’t make it go away. In fact, eventually I think having a girlfriend inevitably ends up pushing you right against the parts of yourself that you haven’t dealt with yet… just how it goes.
Anyway, I would say that I think relationships are great when it really is the right time to be in one. I have standards of what I expect of her and of what I expect of myself. At this point, I don’t feel *I* am ready to meet my standards of being a great guy in a relationship, so I am choosing not to commit to one until I can be great in a relationship.
Things can change, but that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve been working on myself and growing, so when it does come time for a relationship I will be in a good spot.
Hey JT,
Personally, I am not looking for a relationship right now. My reason is that I am not in the position right now to arrange my life to have a consistent relationship with a woman. There are plenty of things I love about being in a relationship: Watching movies together, having someone to sleep next to, having those silly “relationship moments”…
But there is a price for it and more often than not the price is my time, availability and attention. I am just not in a position in my life where I want to rearrange my personal freedom. There’s plenty of wonderful and inspiring things that come from being in a relationship, but there’s also the consideration of having to be there for her and dealing with the bullshit that comes with any relationship – anger, misunderstandings, arguments. There’s a near-guarantee that at some point in the relationship, she will push you up against your limits and you’ll have to deal with it.
Truth is in a way, being pushed to my limits in the crappy times can actually be good for me in terms of personal growth and character. But I don’t feel like opening the emotional bandwidth that relationships demand in dealing with that stuff – there are too many other things happening in my life that I don’t want to be distracted from.
Another thing I’ve done in relationships is unknowingly give up *everything* that was fulfilling to me! I would be single and really on my game: working out, being social, eating healthy, getting good sleep everyday, etc. Then, I would get a girlfriend and think, “Oh, I’m in a relationship right now and I feel good… guess I don’t need to do any of that stuff anymore!” And then, a couple months later after I’m out of all my good habits, I start feeling miserable!
When I talk about how I work on having a great relationship with myself, that’s one of the aspects of it. I never realized how much exercise or sleep or simple socializing or eating well had an effect on me. But when I gave it all up, I really realized it. The bigger truth that I realized is that all those things that I was doing to help me “solve my problem” and get me the girl were actually some of the most fulfilling parts of my life. Those habits were actually the solution – the girl wasn’t. Having a girlfriend won’t *solve* anything.
There will be great moments in the relationship, but if you have some issue that you haven’t worked out with yourself, having a girlfriend won’t make it go away. In fact, eventually I think having a girlfriend inevitably ends up pushing you right against the parts of yourself that you haven’t dealt with yet… just how it goes.
Anyway, I would say that I think relationships are great when it really is the right time to be in one. I have standards of what I expect of her and of what I expect of myself. At this point, I don’t feel *I* am ready to meet my standards of being a great guy in a relationship, so I am choosing not to commit to one until I can be great in a relationship.
Things can change, but that’s where I’m at right now. I’ve been working on myself and growing, so when it does come time for a relationship I will be in a good spot.
What if you have been at this for say 4 or 5 years and have never found success? At least most of you have found some success. As for me, its been nothing but tons of money spent for nothing it seems. I just want to find success and just cant seem to do it.
What if you have been at this for say 4 or 5 years and have never found success? At least most of you have found some success. As for me, its been nothing but tons of money spent for nothing it seems. I just want to find success and just cant seem to do it.
Hey Mark,
How often do you go out and meet new people? How often do you approach women you’ve never met and talk with them?
I can tell you that I wasted a lot of time reading a lot of material but never really applying any of it in the real world because I didn’t feel ready yet…
Hey Mark,
How often do you go out and meet new people? How often do you approach women you’ve never met and talk with them?
I can tell you that I wasted a lot of time reading a lot of material but never really applying any of it in the real world because I didn’t feel ready yet…
Hi Edge,
I do about 10 to 20 solid approaches a week. Sometimes 30 if I am out all weekend. That is for both day and night time.
Hi Edge,
I do about 10 to 20 solid approaches a week. Sometimes 30 if I am out all weekend. That is for both day and night time.
Mark…
I think a lot of the products are crappy. Not that the theory is crappy just that they don’t take the time to translate it to your life. Even on boot camps and workshops how many of them lay out step by step plans of action to take the week after? the month after?
They don’t.
You will find success just keep looking, it sounds to me like you need so one on one training with a long term action plan. I know I studied for a long time before I met Edge and we basically scrapped everything and went out and tried to figure it out and coach each other. Its hard but its worth it in the end.
Mark…
I think a lot of the products are crappy. Not that the theory is crappy just that they don’t take the time to translate it to your life. Even on boot camps and workshops how many of them lay out step by step plans of action to take the week after? the month after?
They don’t.
You will find success just keep looking, it sounds to me like you need so one on one training with a long term action plan. I know I studied for a long time before I met Edge and we basically scrapped everything and went out and tried to figure it out and coach each other. Its hard but its worth it in the end.
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