I think that having disappointing, sad and painful relationships definitely had an influence on me discovering the pick-up/seduction community. When I felt that kind of pain or rejection, I would feel it so strongly that I would say, “No more. I will never leave myself vulnerable to this happening ever again.” As a result, I would close down more and more of myself to guarantee that I would not be hurt again.
At the same time, I believe that a relationship can only go as deep as to the degree that you are open and vulnerable to it. In other words, if I do not put myself in a position where I are risking anything… if I do not put myself in a position where I will feel anything for a girl… if I give nothing and only take… then I will have no depth to my relationships.
Sure, I may have women who are very attracted to me. Sure, I may have sex and women throwing themselves at me. And make no mistake, I am NOT saying these are bad things – they’re great! But this is not depth. It’s only narcissism.
Depth in a relationship, I believe, comes from taking risks and exposing vulnerable parts of myself to the other person. Granted, this is a mutual exchange – if it’s one-sided, then it’s puppy-dog infatuation and neediness. When it is a mutual exchange, and both the woman and I are expressing deeper parts of ourself, who we truly are, what we really think… that is what creates depth.
One thing that I have had to remind myself is to continually open myself up and not try to be impervious to getting hurt in a relationship. In the past, when a relationship fell apart or things didn’t work out with a girl I wanted, my natural reflex was to seek out ways to protect myself from getting hurt.
Now, I am not advocating the idea of dumping fears or insecurities on a woman. Negative belief habits (such as insecurities, fears, worries, jealousy, bitterness, anger, etc.) are things that I should work out myself and if I need to talk about it with somebody, I should talk to a guy that I trust about it, not a girl.
What I am talking about here is removing layers of bullshit in my communication. Not saying the “smooth” line, but the line that is true and authentic for me. Being authentic and honest is vulnerable – when someone resists or argues against your truth and authenticity, it can feel like you are being attacked. That is why this feels risky.
On the other hand, spitting out crafty PUA lines is not risky. Why? Because if she rejects you, she’s just rejecting the line. She’s not rejecting you (or at least, it doesn’t feel that way). So there this definitely makes learning pick-up techniques attractive because it allows the PUA to feel invulnerable to taking any risks.
Now, am I against pick-up techniques, lines, tactics, etc.? Absolutely not. I love this stuff, it’s a great body of knowledge and it works wonderfully for creating attraction AND for learning how to improve skills with women.
All I am saying is that focusing on pick-up techniques and things to say will only take a PUA so far. I think that in the beginning, it was useful for me to approach pick-up in this fashion, where I was invulnerable to being “rejected” so that I could learn the ropes and really get a handle on creating attraction in women.
Now that I have it down, I have shifted my focus to having high quality interactions. Not just creating attraction, but having a deeper, more memorable, positive interaction with the women I come into contact with. As a result, she gets more from it and my conversations are juicy and fun, instead of hollow and superficial.
This is a topic that I will be exploring in greater depth in future posts, but I wanted to put this out there and get some feedback from you guys. What do you think? Does what I’m saying here resonate with any of you?
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This article is money. Another thing that authentic communication will do for you is, when you use authentic communication and you get rejected, you realize it wasnt the line, but YOU getting rejected. When this happen, it builds character and true inner game. You realize, that you’re simply not attractive to everyone and it’s life. life sometime is meant to experience the pain.
Hey Brian,
I agree. It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant, but I try my best to look at any pain as a “growth point” and an opportunity to learn and move forward.
Building skill with using lines, techniques, “gambits”, etc. has its place. But it’s not the end game – all the lines and techniques are training wheels (albeit training wheels that can get you laid), but the end game is to naturally flow in communication and truly be present in the interaction as YOU.
There are people who are very skilled at spitting the right lines at the right time, but the only skill that they’ve developed is evasion. Not strength of character or inner game.
It might not sound glamorous, but having strength of character and strong inner game feels good! For me, as I grow in those areas, I feel more sharp, witty and alert, but at the same time, more relaxed, happy and at-peace.
It’s a tougher sell, though, to the crowd who “just wants to get laid.” Ironically, that is the crowd that would get laid the most by developing this area.
Long time reader, first time ‘blog commenter’ ;^)
Edge I dig you’re post and agree that long term relationship skills are something that the community sorely over looks. I’m coming up on my two year anniversary of discovering the community and I think you hit the nail on the head by saying “focusing on pick-up techniques and things to say will only take a PUA so far.” Agreed.
I also agree with your point of “Depth in a relationship…comes from taking risks and exposing vulnerable parts of myself to the other person.” Supported by the point “What I am talking about here is removing layers of bullshit in my communication. Not saying the “smooth” line, but the line that is true and authentic for me.”
Here’s my question for you and an issue I go back and forth on myself. At what point do you tell a girl about your involvement in the community? If we are truly seeking open authentic relationships with our significant others this is an issue that has to come up.
Some PUAs might not give a shit and may never tell the girl. Personally, I feel that’s a deceitful choose and a sign that you are in a less than open relationship. However, in this age of Facebook, Myspace, and six degrees of separation from everyone else; at what point do you share that aspect of you’re life with another?
I’d be interested in your thoughts, opinions and personal experiences on the topic.
A post-LR I suppose?
-JOKER
Generally speaking, I tell women that I’m a self-improvement junky because I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I wouldn’t say that I belong to “the community” because there’s a lot of stuff that gets said within the community that I would not stand behind or want to be identified with. But I think there’s no problem with saying that I’m into self-improvement because in that frame I am just focusing on being the best man I can be (and no woman on Earth would have a problem with that.)
Learning pick-up within that frame is fine – your just a level-headed guy who’s looking at what’s out there so that you can improve yourself. You’re not some horny pervert out to scheme girls out of their panties (which is the association she’ll have if you tell her you’re in the seduction community.)
As for mentioning a community…. I wouldn’t in any way. If you’re friends with PUAs, just call them your buddies. They should be your buddies anyway – not just guys you’re out to strategize with and wing.
I’ll expand on the blog, but that’s basically my answer.
Good answer.
I dig.
This is a great post for the most part. I think the key when it comes to how much of yourself you open up to the other person in a relationship is to find a point of balanace, where you and the other person are opening to similar degrees.
It seems that you’re talking more about initial interactions or the first few dates as opposed to long term relationships. I wonder, what are your thoughts on discussing fears and insecurities in an LTR?
This is a great post for the most part. I think the key when it comes to how much of yourself you open up to the other person in a relationship is to find a point of balanace, where you and the other person are opening to similar degrees.
It seems that you’re talking more about initial interactions or the first few dates as opposed to long term relationships. I wonder, what are your thoughts on discussing fears and insecurities in an LTR?
I’m happy I read that post, I think its the evolution going on lately on pick up,what most guys need to fill their loneliness is a relationship with a woman that they can open up, feel comfortable and be themselves.Surely that thing can’t happen with any woman,but being authentic its the step to find that woman.
Additionally a big backfire ,most PUA’s have on their techniques is that the woman catches on their fakeness,or overtrying,even when the line is not so cheesy,it may sound like cheesy,when is out of context.
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