Legend, Amp and I had a conversation the other night about leading conversations and avoiding conversational pitfalls.
First, let me explain what I mean when I refer to leading the conversation. I, for one, am not a proponent of shoving routines down a woman’s throat just to keep the interaction going. There’s a place for pick-up artist technique, but I think it’s far better to be great conversationalist that uses technique as needed.
As a metaphor, I think of all of the pick-up artist tips and seduction techniques in the way that I think of spices in cooking: a little bit in the right thing is the difference between bland/boring and unforgettable/delicious. BUT too much spice ruins the meal altogether.
So let’s talk about conversations. The average guy is usually excited just to be in a conversation with a beautiful woman, let alone do anything to remotely turn her on.
As a result, a guy gets up the gall to talk to the woman, the conversation opens and then for the rest of the interaction, he’s just surfing on the topics she brings up. She brings up a thought or topic, he tags it with something (an agreement with what she said, a pithy observation about it, etc.). She brings up another topic or comment and he starts to run with that.
Almost inevitably, unless the guy is totally her type and she’s already attracted to him, she’ll get bored and leave. After all, if her juices aren’t already cooking, she knows the interaction isn’t going to get her turned on with a guy who just runs with everything she brings up.
So that is what leading isn’t. What is leading?
Leading is conversing with the intent to bring the conversation to a certain place and int If entionally create certain states, reactions and emotional responses with the woman.
Leading is not dominating. Here’s an interesting thought:
When you are walking a dog, you are leading. The dog is in front of you, but you are taking actions to make sure that the dog is going where you want her to go.
So long as the dog is walking where you want her to go, you walk with the dog – no need to correct the direction. But if the dog goes somewhere or does something that is not part of the path… that’s when you need to correct.
That brings me to discussing conversational sinkholes – these are the subjects brought up by women or someone in the group that will lead the conversation nowhere but down.
For example, there was one interaction where the girl brought up the Holocaust in an interaction. Don’t get me wrong, the Holocaust was a horrible tragedy, but it has no place in the realm of light Friday-night barroom chat.
My buddy didn’t want to disrespect the girl, so he reluctantly went with the subject for a moment and tried his best to find an out ASAP.
Problem was, the more he tried, the deeper into the subject they got and the conversation went from fun banter to grave somberness in a matter of 30 seconds.
Conversational sinkholes are like hot coals – don’t pick them up with your bare hands (or, if possible, at all).
The risk of a conversation being thrown off track is the highest within the first 15 minutes of conversation, but it is important to watch out for this in general even long after you and the girl are familiar.
From a pick-up artist / dating /seduction standpoint, there is no value in talking to women about heavy subjects, especially before you’ve established yourself as a romantic partner.
I have a big heart and I want to help and support people, but let’s be honest. If she really needs help and support, she can get it from her close friends. She can get it from a therapist. She doesn’t need some guy she just met to help her with her problems or help her process depressing events.
On the other hand, conversational sinkholes aren’t always “downers”. Sometimes a woman will just start bringing up subjects. It is usually to see how you’ll react and then evaluate you accordingly.
For example, she might casually mention that she came there with her friend who is a high-powered CEO or the lead singer of a band or something.
The average guy will pick up the hot coal and either try to start proving why he’s valuable (flexing), get uncomfortable (react with insecurity) or faking some kind of interest in their connection (rolling with the conversation sinkhole).
There’s no law or rule that says that we need to pick up any of these conversational sinkholes. I’ve seen Legend outright just pretend it wasn’t even said and keep going and it had no ill effect.
I’ll usually say, “Oh, that’s cool.” and then completely change the subject to something intriguing or fun.
It’s little tweaks and realizations like this that can save you from going down the wrong path in interactions.
Of course, if you have a sticking point with being a pick-up artist or having the kind of skill you want to have in the dating arena, you owe it to yourself to get on our mailing list.
We cover all sorts of additional topics outside of this website (personal coaching, online dating and lots of other subjects). Plus, for the time being Legend is offering a free 15-minute Dating Diagnostic call, where Legend tells you specifically how you (personally) can get over your sticking points. This isn’t a pitch – it’s a completely free call where we talk about your personal sticking points and exactly how to address them. Get it now while Legend is still giving it away!
P.S. If you’re on the Monthly Insider Interview Series list, we just did a one hour discussion on how never to run out of things to say in conversation. Worth checking out.
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