I think one thing that plays a central role in a man’s well-being is the degree to which he is operating within his own integrity.
I am not talking about ethics or telling the truth here (although I personally adhere to being straight-up, honest and telling the truth, generally speaking.)
What I am talking about is a man’s sense that he is in line with his “truth” – that is, his sense of who he is, what he believes in and being the man he wants to be in the world.
For me, when I am not living my life in a way that is truly on my terms and “selling-out” in some area, I feel foggy, unhappy and confused. When I am living life in a way that is within my terms, I feel great.
But I’m giving more vague terms… let me get at what I mean here. I’m not saying living life that looks how I want it to… I am saying living life in a way that I am not compromising my own beliefs and principles.
Let’s get specific…
I remember times in my youth where I was dating a girl and I would put up with stuff that I thought was bullshit. But I didn’t want to lose the girl and I mean it wasn’t that big a deal, so I swallowed some BS in order to keep her happy (or more realistically, I thought this was keeping her happy).
Truth of the matter is that it did not make her happy… It instead dissolved the argument, but transformed it into a loss of respect for me. Moreover, I felt like I was selling myself out – whhht-tish! Succumbing to the crack of the whip.
Now let me say here that that whip comment is not meant to be anti-woman or anti-relationship. There is no real metaphorical whip – it doesn’t exist anywhere but in cultural vernacular. But within that mental paradigm, I believed that she was setting terms and that I needed to either oblige or she would be mad at me.
These days, I see it as a her just voicing something rooted in a fear or concern and that’s that. It’s not her cracking the whip. It’s not her defining terms. It’s just her saying how she feels. And my response should ALWAYS be within my terms.
At the same time, in order for my terms to be rock-solid and livable, I needed to really really really get clear on what I would and would not accept from myself, women and the world.
Terms, in this context, is not about me setting demands on other people. It has NOTHING to do with that.
Instead, terms is about what I will and will not accept for myself… the source does not matter. It’s what I define as acceptable and livable. It took years to really, truly be clear on this. Experience was the most essential component, but contemplation of it really accelerated the process.
Just food for thought… Comments welcome.
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This is really making me rethink somethings in my relationship…
This is really making me rethink somethings in my relationship…
We wrote pretty much the same article today. Well I guess there’s no need for me this week…
Just kidding
We wrote pretty much the same article today. Well I guess there’s no need for me this week…
Just kidding
Del,
That could be a good thing… It is my opinion, but I believe that if a man is truly clear on his terms and stays within them he may make his woman upset (since he won’t always say yes), but he will gain her respect and she will be able to trust him on a deep level.
Plus, it was once said that the extent to which a man is devastated when a woman leaves is the extent to which he sold out in the relationship. Something else worth considering…
Del,
That could be a good thing… It is my opinion, but I believe that if a man is truly clear on his terms and stays within them he may make his woman upset (since he won’t always say yes), but he will gain her respect and she will be able to trust him on a deep level.
Plus, it was once said that the extent to which a man is devastated when a woman leaves is the extent to which he sold out in the relationship. Something else worth considering…
This is spot on. I could never go out with a woman that smoked and 6 months later my gf started up again, caused lots of issues, in the end i said well i can put up with it (bad move) and i think inevitably she lost respect for me. Broke up recently, which was no doubt inevitable anyway.
This is spot on. I could never go out with a woman that smoked and 6 months later my gf started up again, caused lots of issues, in the end i said well i can put up with it (bad move) and i think inevitably she lost respect for me. Broke up recently, which was no doubt inevitable anyway.